The road to Hell / Good intentions.

OK, so, as I may have mentioned previously , I have a 5 year old. My Husband is 65. I am 32.
Our household pretty well represents every season of life. In some ways that is a blessing, and most days it is. but then there are those other days . . .

Last week , munchkin attended "Princess Dance Camp" the recital for which was to be held at 10:00am Saturday Morning ( Yesterday). I truly bless the teacher , because it was held that early for the sole purpose of accomodating our insane schedule. Speaking of insane schedules, here's a peek at how yesterday was suppossed to go;

8:00 am - out of bed .

9:00 am - crap together and breakfast eaten, ready to get on the road.

10:00 am- Dance camp recital

11:00 am - leave "Mayberry" and drive to "The City" for a friends daughters pool party that you swore on everything so hard you might as well have taken a blood oath not to miss it for anything except death.

11:45am- Drop hubby who has zero tolerance for the heat of Okie summers at his favorite bookshop to kill time until the party etc ends.

12:00-3:00 pm -Pool Party with 5 year old and friends.

3:30 pm- collect husband from bookshop and load his purchases into vehicle, hope theres still room for munchkin to sit.

4:00 pm - stop by Buffy's Shop and collcet the keys to your shed she accidentally absconded with the last time she was over. Change munchkin, change yourself , attempt to do something to your hair that the heat and humidity hasn't already.

5-6:30 pm - leisurely dinner at some random location that you didn't have to cook.

7:00 pm- Arrive at Civic Center Music Hall and attempt to procure parking close enough that your spouse dosen't have a stroke trying to get into the building and your offspring dosen't have the opportunity to run amok or into traffic between your parking spot and the front door.

8:00 pm- Curtain for "Disney's Tarzan : The Musical"

10-10:30 pm- leave theatre and head home with your happy family in tow.

11-11:30 pm - arrive home , tuck everyone in, let critters out for a bit. Load the dishwasher, blog, critters in, bed.

It's a nice story, isn't it ? Everything working out the way you planned ? Now for what really happened . . .

Overslept.

Somehow managed to pack all the necessary clothing and sunscreen etc for the many events of the day , dance bag and so on ,my own change of clothes for later.

Got my goat rodeo into the car with the dogs only managing ONE escape out the front door ( believe it or not this IS actually less than usual)

Decided to make up for the time we overslept by grabbing a quick breakfast at the local Carl's Jr, only to end up waiting forever for what was hands down the most disgusting biscuits and gravy any of us have ever tried to stomach ( we have eaten there before, and it was good then, so I guess they were  having an off day. But it was seriously gross) so now we are still hungry, but out of time .

The goat rodeo is still hungry and therefore cranky, particulairly with each other which in turn makes me cranky too. so far so good.

Still Running late, we arrive at the studio to find that thanks to the pioneering efforts of one Mothers overkill ( apparently in her family a 45 minute program merits the attendance of five generations of family , grandparents etc) there was ZERO large vehicle hubby-accessable parking . So I had to drop hubby at the nearest semi-accessable place and hope he made it in ok while munchkin and I foraged for parking elsewhere.

We ended up parking at the camera shop down the street and walking.

Did i mention that by this point , we were already on munchkins 4th hissy fit of the day ?

yeah.

So this was more of a march to the studio , where in my giant lard-ass was heaving after her wheezing out things like ,

"if you don't slow down , so help me God I will bust your ass ! "
"I mean it little girl !"
"Stop Running dammit ! We're not THAT late ! "

Finally, she stops. She turns around and gives me a look that could kill satan himself. She puts her hand on her hip , cocks her head "WHAT ?" ( words cannot describe how badly i wanted to knock her out at that moment, but i managed to keep my hands to myself)

Q: I am your mother, you are 5. I make the rules, you follow them. You step out of line, you get punished. Period. That's how it works. We do NOT have to take you to do things like dance, and parties, and theatre, THOSE ARE PRIVLIDGES !  and if you don't watch your mouth and straighten up , you will lose them.

M: (rolling her eyes sarcastically) you'd have to catch me first.

Here is where she takes off like greased lightening and hot foots it into the studio.

To save time , I will just say that she does everything her teacher asks her too, no problem. But everything from changing her clothes on is a three mile uphill battle for me.

As we are making the trek back to our parking spot in outer Mongolia , she continues to show her royal ass. By the time we arrive at the van , we are all yelling at each other and I am ready to scream / cry. It's only 11 am , for God's sake !  The day isn't even halfway over yet. I want to go home and hide in my closet and cry.
And then I see it. On the window of my van. Right there on my window. A note , scrawled with permenant marker, " THIS IS NOT A PARKING PLACE"  Great. Good for you bucky. Thanks for the tip, cause this is exactly where i wanted to park in the first place. I wanted to make a sign on the back of it and tape it to his door that said " YOU JUST LOST A CUSTOMER"  , sucks for him too, because I am a picture and Photo JUNKY !

Goat rodeo in the van, willing myself to save my energy and NOT be perturbed at camera shop asshat anymore, munchkin is furiously kicking the hell out of the back of my seat and screaming while hubby is trying to calm her down and i am trying to get BOTH of their attention and call this blasted van to order.

"QUIET ! " I yell. Attention garnered .

Q : All right ( munckins first, middle, and last name , so she KNOWS she's in trouble ) the day isn't even halfway over and we are here at this point already. Now I know you want to go to this pool party, and you know what, I WANT you to go to this pool party because I promised her Momma. But if this is how your gonna act, and you gonna be all ugly and stuff , i'm not gonna take you. I have no problem driving up ther , dropping off this gift, and just telling her momma that you weren't behaving well enough to deserve a trip to the pool. do you understand me ?

M: Yes Mama.

The trip to the city involved a whole lot of singing aloud to the Dixie Chicks ( Munchkin caught a liking for them from me and is currently driving them into the ground. Better than Bieber etc ) and everyone was in pretty good spirits by the time we reached the bookshop. When we dropped Hubby off , Munchkin even crawled up from the back seat to give him a hug and a kiss ! ( now there's my sweet girl ! ) We hit the Mickey D's for a dollar burger and then off ! too the pool !

Munchkin was amazed at the pool, it was more of a mini- water-park . ( the mayberry pool is very basic and spartan ) Having never been to a water-park or anything of the kind, this was amazing to her and she became like, spastically excited.

Things went pretty smoothly and we both had a great time, at least until the first time I tried to get her to leave . She turned around and marched defiantly into the pool , knowing I was fully dressed and couldn't go into the water per the pool rules.

30 minutes later, i tried to get her to at least come get another coat of sunscreen , she then tried to doggie-paddle herself into the deep end to escape before she even heard what I wanted. Once she understood what I wanted she got out , got sprayed, and then ran back in. 30 minutes later, it really was time to go. I gave her 5 minutes , and started the countdown. 3 minutes, 2 , "Ok honey , tell everybody bye-bye, we have to go now" She got out of the pool. Yea ! Victory for Mommy ! Then she jumped back in. this happened four more times. Once she finally got out for good , there was the search for her shoes, that took forever.  She tried to get back in the pool three times during "the search", finally I had her rounded up  and said my goodbyes to Birthday girls Mommy.

The ride from the pool to the bookshop seemed eternal. The noise from the backseat was deafening. I couldn't hear myself think. About 2 miles from the bookshop I decided there was no way I was taking this urchin inside ANY place of business. So I called the Bookshop, and ask them to please page my husband and have him meet me out front.  Hubby emerged , confused, but compliant a few moments after I pulled up at the curb. He knew with a look that the rest of the day was shot and we were going home to Mayberry.

After we arrived, we ate a quick dinner of "Cowboy food " ( Kraft Mac-N-Cheese, Bushes baked beans, chili ,cut up hot-dogs , and onions) with a side of fried spam and chips and dip, which used up pretty much all of the leftovers. and by 6:30 pm we were all exhausted. By 7, we were in bed and asleep.


That's why I am just now managing to write this.

I would like to apologize to the folks at Lyric Theatre Of Oklahoma, for missing what I am sure was an awesome production.

But I'm not sorry I got sleep .

Lots and Lots of sleep , actually :-)

Seems like my days always start out with the best laid plans and the best of intentions, and then most of the time , they end up in the crapper. Its amazing to me , the diffrence between your head, and reality.
In my head, for instance, yesterday was going to be choc full of fun , and warm fuzzy memory making. Alas, not so much . . .

I have heard it said many a time that , " The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I have no idea who said it, but i'm pretty sure that whoever it was had kids.

I am equally sure that if there is any truth to it ( and i'm sure there is) , by now I haven't just paved a road.

Oh no ! I have paved the freaking Highway to Hell with all of my good intentions.

not just some cute little winding , one-lane , country road. A super-mega highway with 8 lanes and no stop signs so you can cruise straight through ! Do not pass go ! Do not collect $200, go straight to hell, no if's , and's, or but's.



I wonder if there's a way to charge a toll on it ? Make my Highway to Hell the Turnpike to hell ? At least that way I could make some money on that sucker . . . Hmmmmmmm?

( ok, i'll admit it, as I am writing this, I am singing AC/DC's " Highway to hell" in my head, and i just want you to know that " Turnpike to Hell " works just as well, just a little FYI . . .)


Hopefully , tomorrow will be better.

it's gotta be right ?

I mean Sweet Baby Jesus , the Lord won't give us more than one of these days in a row right ?

Pray.

( Your still singing "Turnpike to Hell " aren't you ? )

(your Welcome :-)