A new Job for Miss Quiser ?

Well, if everything I have been reading in the checkout line is true , it would appear that food network has got a pretty big job opening .

Never one to look opportunity or a gift horse in the mouth , I have decided that the best person I know to fill this spot , is me !

Ok and here's why .

Ok, we'll start with the obvious , I'm not racist . I mean , let's face it , my hienz 57 family tree is such that I have no business throwin' stones at anybody. I like everybody till they give me a reason not to.
You piss on my lawn or steal my paper , I'm probably gonna not like you , but as long as your nice to me, we cool .

Secondly, just once I wanna see somebody on that channel take one of them $25 pot and pan sets from the voldemart , and a handful of voldemart 's cheap kitchen tools and make a meal . I mean, who the hell do I  know who owns a julienne slicer and a lemon zester ? Or any of them other fancy-ass tools they are always us in' on there ? If It couldn't be got at voldemart , and cheaply, I wouldn't use it .

Thirdly, I would use things you find in a normal persons kitchen. You know like  spam, and ramen noodles, and Kraft Mac-n-cheese and Vienna sausages , crunched up tater chips. Y'all get the picture. I don't know anybody who keeps kale, and Swiss chard and bok Choy just in their frige for shits and giggles.

Fourth, I would have my viewers send me a list of what was in their cabinet and fridge , and create a workable meal with only those ingredients . You know, just go to the pantry and the fridge and make a list , e-mail it to old Quiser , and I will show you how to make it edible :-) we could call it Kamikaze cooking with Quiser.

Fifth. Recipe lotto:-) all my southern peeps, my Okies, my cajun's my rednecks , y'all send me your favorite recipes and I would make 'me on the show. Don't matter if its for gator, or frog legs , or what , you have my word I will try ANYTHING ONCE !

Sixth. I would keep it real . I would do the whole damn thing from the privacy of my own house . A nice normal residence, not some palatial goody two shoes place in California . And if it was less than clean on filming day , I would leave it that way. And I would not curtail my language because lord knows those guys who work the buzzers at the network need a job too!

I would have awesome guests like Ruby-Anne Boxcar , who could show us how to make deep fried twinkies and chocolate covered bacon !  And Sister Unity could teach us how to make a nice Hindu friendly vegan pâté or something , just to keep it well rounded. Aunt Jaunita could send us recipes from prison too ! Those would be fun ! And ya know, I could do for food network what Larry the cable guy did for comedy if they would just give me a chance !  Ya know ? If nothing else the impressive number of kitchen fires I have under my belt would make it worth watching, I don't care if people are watching to see if I light myself on fire , or watching to see how to make squirrel pie, their watchin dammit , and that's what matters ! Besides, it might give the " here comes honey-boo-boo" crowd another channel to be interested in . I might even have mama June on sometime, I bet she's got some awesome casserole recipes ! Oh it would be so much fun !

I have no idea how to start an Internet petition , but as soon as I figure it out I'm gonna start one to get " Kamikaze cookin with Miss Quiser " on food network ( or at least the local public access cable station )  I sure hope y'all will sign it !