And I shall call her ' Queen of the Road ' and she shall be mine . . .

Sometimes , Most times, it's the little things that count.

Your kid standing in the middle of the soccer field for the duration of the second half of the game , but waving and smiling at you the whole time because they feel like David Beckam.

Your husband , thanking you for buying him new socks.

McRib is back. . .

You get the picture.It honestly takes very little to make me happier than a pig in shit.

Today was no exception.

After discovering the hard way that our yard really WAS large enough to necessitate a riding mower , The Hubby and I decided that it was probably a good investment . However , in this family , NOTHING is every accomplished the easy way . We don't set out to make it difficult, but it sure ends up that way.

Again, today was no exception.

The first thing we had to do was get someone with a truck. As usual, it was my Dad, Hector the collector (we are in talks with 'Hoarders" , about doing an entire expose on his house, but that's another blog . . .)
Now dear Hector lives about 45 miles away, so getting him out to Mayberry requires 2 things, 1) you must cross his palm with a coin ( preferably a $20), 2) you must have some ' stuff' for him to take with him. ( he also prefers it if he gets fed as well, so dinner is usually included also. Fortunately for us, and for Hector, everything lined up properly for today .

Due to reasons outside of anyone's control , this had to be a 'family outing' , so Myself , Hubby, Munchkin ,AND  of course , Hector had to all pile into Hectors truck , "The Golgathan". This is easier said than done . Munchkin loads up into the backseat rather easily, but my big lard-ass climbing over into the back seat is quite a sight , Hubby loads a little uneasy as well, though for different reasons. The only one on Earth who mounts that thing with ease is it's master, our Hector.

Now we have an ACE hardware a mile from the house, but apparently they don't 'stock' lawnmowers, so we had to cruise on out to the Mayberry Voldemart. As we were unloading from the Golgathan , the sight of my over-bulbous Jello-ass trying to emerge from the backseat drew a crowd of spectators. Great.
Before anything else could be done I had to take Munchkin to the toy aisle to select her bribe. Bribe selected I had to collect my tribe and escort them to a seating area (so Hubby doesn't over do ) and then I was off to see a man about a lawnmower.

I arrived at lawn and garden , to find it completely unmanned , both lanes shut down, and not a blasted Voldemart sales-person in sight. So , I  tromped  all the way back across the store to customer service.
After waiting in line behind 1 customer for 15 minutes  The woman behind the counter told me to go to lawn and garden. " But I just came from lawn and garden, and there's nobody there to help me. "
She picks up her phone and pages someone to lawn and garden for a lawnmower. Then looks at me , and with more than a hint of sarcasm ,say's " now there will be someone there in a minute"
i mustered every ounce of politeness I could muster and thanked her and began the trek back to lawn and garden.

When I arrived in lawn and garden , there was indeed someone there to help me , his name was Cook , and he was all of 19, and had been working there for a whole 2 weeks. Truth be told , he was as helpful as he could be, but the boy knew diddly-squat about EVERYTHING.

We left on this ill-fated mission at 3:15 pm, it is now 4:45 pm , and I am STILL  no where near having my darned lawnmower.

By now I have moved my tribe to the cushioned display seating in the lawn and garden department, munchkin is complaining loudly that she can't open her blasted play-dough yet , Hector is asleep ( his super power is the ability to do that anywhere ) and Hubby is grinding his teeth and his nails , running out of polite things to say. i am assuring Cook, who really is doing the best he can , that we are not mad at him.

Finally , at 5:20 pm , a manager arrives to unshackle our mower from the others they are keeping prisoner and set her free ! We began the checkout process with Cook as Hector goes to load the mower in the Golgathan. Hallelujah ! Sweet Baby Jesus , it's about time !

We arrive to the site of the " mower loading " , to discover , Hector, Cook, Some nice little old dude, and some unknown Voldemart associate trying  desperately to load the mower into the truck . By now Buffy and Bubba have called to tell me they are on my porch . Yea. I have to tell them it will be a while.

This is when Hector decides it needs gas. So I call Buffy and ask her to bring the gas can from home.
5 minutes later the nice old dude shows Hector how to put it in neutral and 5 minutes later it's in the truck.
I call Buffy and tell her to turn around .

Finally at 6:00 pm we are back at the house , but due to some technical difficulties with the nuts and bolts, it takes Bubba and Hector another 45 minutes to get it out of the truck  and running.

WHY MUST EVERY TRIP THIS FAMILY MAKES TO BUY LAWN EQUIPMENT IN THIS TOWN TURN INTO A TRIP TO DROP A RING IN MORDOR ?  I just don't understand this .

After a 5 minute tutorial from Bubba I am in the drivers seat and I am off ! NO longer feeling like Frodo Baggin's , I am having the time of my life ! Woo- Hoo !

I named her ' Queen of the Road " , which I realize is weird because you don't drive a lawn tractor on the road ( unless of course your name is George Jones and you've just run out of beer ), but i like the name , so there .

The next two hours were freaking awesome ! Everybody who drove or walked by was staring at me. I'm not sure if it's because the hadn't ever seen a fat lady in a huge pink hat riding a lawn tractor before , Or because I was belting John Denver's " Thank God I'm a country boy " at the top of my lungs the whole time I was happily zig-zagging all over my yard . Either way, apparently I put on quite a show !  

I also discovered that when taken at the right speed , the little hills in the front yard can make your lawn tractor into a lawn roller-coaster ! ( i may have thrown my arms up and screamed " weee" once or twice, but I will never tell. . .)

At the end of the day, the yard has been conquered and I emerged victorious ! HUZZAH !

Munchkin can again frolic in the backyard .

Thanks to Buffy and Bubba ( and Hector) both porches are free of boxes !

The mosquito's are PISSED !


'Queen of the Road ' is chained safely to our porch .

It's the end of a satisfying work day :-)

And all is right with the world, or at least my corner of it.



                                       " Well I'd Fiddle all day an' night if I could,
                                          but my kids an' my wife wouldn't
                                          take it very good. So I fiddle when I can,
                                          an' I work when I should.
                                          Thank God I'm A country boy . . ."

Just in case you didn't have it stuck in your head already.

Someday , I will learn how to put music and video on these things. . .

Just you wait .


:-)