Babies R' Us is the devil, and other revelations . . .

Everyone has that "friend" (some of you may be unfortunate enough to have more than one) or family member. The one who always seems to get what you want , and 'Unwittingly' rubs your nose in it while your stuck there empty-handed. Sometimes its a new car, or a new job/promotion, or a new relationship.  You love them, and you want to be nice , you want to support them, you want to cheer them on , but all the while , the little green monster is just gnawing away at your insides. . .This is even more difficult when the thing you covet isn't something you can just save up for and go buy at JC Penney's.

I will confess something  now. Something I am sure I am not the only woman in America who feels. This one is for the others like me, that they may know they are not alone.



I would rather saw my own leg off than attend a baby shower. I have played sick and sent a gift to more of these than I can shake a stick at . There are several reasons , it is hard to know where to begin.  You see, the thing I covet , is children , and the ability to have them. I knew from birth that I wanted kids. I spent hours giving dolls first, middle, and last names, imagining taking my 'babies' to the zoo etc. That was my play . Being a woman , it seemed only natural that I grow up and allow my body to do what it was created for , to help continue creation. For a lot of women , fullfillment is found in parenthood and this process of bringing a new life into this world is a sacred and magical event, and it should be celebrated, i'm just not sure by me.
You see, for me ,that road has been paved with heartache. I started trying for children as soon as I turned 18 . By the time I was 28 I had carried 7. Seven wonderful little lives got to share my body, sometimes for a few weeks, other times a few months , but of the seven , I have only ONE living child. The rest are all in heaven. Thanks to something called Poly-cystic Ovarian syndrome (PCOS) plus a few other co-morbid conditions , I am incapable of sustaining another human life to term. The OB/GYN said it was nothing short of a miracle that Wednesday made it at all. I kept trying after her, that's how I lost 6 and 7. None of them were easy , but the 7th one hit me the hardest  , because we had already put the crib back up , and started decorating the area with Pooh , and I had to look at it all, and put it all away , and then answer questions for nosy-assed co-workers when I returned to work. I spent time in bed after all my losses, but I remember crying the most then, not because he was any more special or important than the others, but because I knew then that more children just weren't a reality. So I began not just grieving the child I had lost , but all the future children I had ever hoped to have , which brought fourth an almost animal-like wailing grief that was beyond inconsolable.

Bill and I tried to adopt , but in all cases either he exceeded the age limit, or my personal history made us "in-appropriate canidates" . This compounded the heartbreak. Our only hope was private adoption , and you have no idea how difficult that really is until you try to do it. Un-wed mothers looking to find a home for their baby don't just fall out of the sky . Pop culture would have you believe that you can just stroll into an agency and leave with a baby, or that if you put an add in the penny-saver a birth mother will just call you and say "hey, would you like to raise my baby ?"  it does NOT  work that way. It is far more difficult than you think , and far more expensive than you can imagine. ( yes, we tried DHS adoption, but we are not canidates).

When someone see's my overactive little girl , and notices that I have no other children in tow, and am not pregnant, and just CASUALLY suggests " She really needs a little brother or sister " , I struggle to find a nice way of explaining that that just isn't an option. I usually also have to use all the will-power I have not to punch them in the face. Then , 9 times out of 10 , they say ,"well you should adopt then ", (this is where I REALLY want to kick them where they pee) Usually I just smile and try to get through the checkout lane without any more conversation. If there were exterior shows of just how had it is to force that smile, there would be jumper cables pinching both cheeks and held back by Hulk Hogan. Likewise , as you can probably understand a bit better now, baby-showers are awful.

The process begins with a friend or relative you are close to getting knocked up. You then have to spend the next 10 months listening to every little snippet about their fetus, in many cases either planning , or helping plan the baby shower ( I have done 2 solo and helped with another one ) sometimes even going to doctors appointments and ultrasound appointments with them . Smiling , trying hard to be there for them , and be happy for them , all the while you're dying inside and longing for a corner to hide in so you can cry. Then there is the "Shower" and the "registry . For the mother to be , this is a wonderful time of preparation . For the infertile friend or relative with angel babies, it is pure emotional hell. Having to drag yourself through the retailers searching for that one random thing on their registry that no one else has gotten yet , surviving Target, Voldemart, and the worst , Babies R' Us. Surrounded by little shoes , little bears, bassinets, bibs and bottles, every little thing a reminder of what you cannot have , but desperately desire.  When the Shower comes along , you are swimming in a sea of estrogen fueled breeders . All you can hear are stories of other peoples children and pregnancy tips and labor advice. You want to join the conversation, but you know that if you do , whatever you say will be invalid because as far as they know, you only have ONE  child, and have therefore only had ONE pregnancy, and you know from experience that to speak of your other children in this circumstance does nothing but darken the mood for everyone. Especially the Mom to be. The last thing anyone wants to hear about at a baby shower is dead babies. Even when you try like the devil to just focus on the live one , your broken heart is still screaming " she's not an only child ! She has siblings dammit ! and I love ALL my children! "  The end result is you sitting on a sofa for a few hours smiling and nodding with a plastered on smile staying very, very quiet, and usually wishing you had just stayed home.  Rest assured , the only thing that EVER gets me through the doors of one of these things is a PROFOUND love of the Mom to be . Period.

Eventually we reach the point in the process where there is an actual baby. And as the friend/relative , you are required to come and see said baby, and sometimes even babysit said baby. You hold their little bundle in your arms and you tear-up at the very least, or worse , just start crying completely. Your new Mom generally just brushes it off and says something along the lines of , " I know ! She is just so precious isn't she ? " To which you nod a yes because you don't want to tell them that the feeling of their child in your arms awakens everything in your being that you have to daily strive to keep hidden and secret. That innermost desperate desire to be in that coveted seat, where she is sitting right now . You can't tell her , that even passing a baby you don't know in the supermarket can produce this effect in you . You don't tell her that you cry at some Johnson's and Johnson's commercials. You don't tell her that you spent half the time you baby-sat her infant rocking them and sobbing un-controllably. All you can do is nod. Eventually , you go back home, and you try to live your life. You try to remember to breathe, and function , and be thankful for your family because they are the only reason your grief hasn't killed you . In my case , I hold and kiss and love on my " lonely only" and i thank the lord everyday that he let me keep her. Life goes on, and someone else you know gets knocked up with their 1st,2nd,3rd,4th, 5th or more child, and you dig down deep to the bottom of your soul to find whatever joy you can produce and share it with them , because you love them , and they have no earthly idea what is going on inside of you .

If you have garnered nothing else from this article , here are a few things I would like for you to take away with you . One, hug your babies. Hug them every chance you get . Two,please do not just casually suggest , to ANYONE that they should just go adopt like its as easy as getting a cat from PetSmart. And for the love of God, unless you know someone personally and are close enough to know about their reproductive capablities ( or lack thereof ) , please do not make comments suggesting additional children, especially within ear-shot of existing children. If you have a friend who has experienced an infant or pregnancy loss, we know you don't know what to say , and we don't want you to say anything, we just need you to listen and allow ALL of our babies to be as real as ours are, because even though they are no longer with us , they are still our babies, and they are still real to us, and always will be .



Thank you for listening. Next one will be a little more light-hearted, I promise.