Parenthood : A reality check for prospective parents .

If At all possible , read this BEFORE knocking someone up OR getting knocked up.
This is all the crap I know now, that I wish I had known when I was pregnant .
(not saying I wouldn't have had kids if I had known this, just saying I like to go into things with my eyes wide open , that's all. And I love my munchkin very much )

1. June Cleaver is full of S*#T !  Having two boys doesn't just give you and the Hub's a little something to chitter about at the end of the day while your having your highball. It will drive you insane ! Or at the very least , it will turn you into a wino ( you basically have no other choice)   but take heart, from what I hear from mothers with two boys , eventually they do grow up, and usually they turn out alright, and sometimes you still have a shred of sanity and a slice of functioning liver to show for it ! So no worries :-)

2. Laura and Mary Ingalls are a figment of your imagination ! Sisters who get along do not happen . Like EVER. Right now , your probably sitting there rubbing your belly having daydreams about the three of you braiding each others hair , and playing barbies , and everyone is all just getting along hunky-dory and crap.
WRONG ! In reality, sisters be fierceley competetive and tearing each others hair out ! I speak from experience ! I had a sister , and we threw each other down the stairs , out of trees, tried to curb check each other . . . I could go on and on . Unless you plan to spend every minute you are with your family playing wound care nurse, or referee , two girls isn't for you ! On the bright side though, if you survive the hormonal teenage years and synchronized " Shark Week " , from what I hear , once they reach college they are somewhat tolerable, and sometimes by their 30's have buried the hatchet ( sometimes in each others backs )

3. I only have one friend with twins , and her kids are ridiculoulsy smart and good natured, not at all like the average run of the mill children I used for this "study " . Therefore I have no comparison and analysis on Twins :-(

4. Having a Multitude of children will not transform your family into the effing Brady Bunch. In reality, it's a lot more like Village of the Damned . There's a LOT  more of them than there are of you , and those little buggers are out to get you ! Look out Mama ! If they figure out they out number you, your days could be numbered !

5.Only Children. Only children are creepy. They just are, or at least mine is . When I was pregnant, I imagined my precious little girl all angelic and sweet. NOT . She is incredibly morbid . Some days it seems she is obsessed with death , and she can ask some of the most unsettling questions you ever heard of .  In short , I gave birth to Wednesday Addams .Then there are days when she is as sweet and adorable as Cindy Brady , and you just want to snuggle her. And about the time you do , she Morphs into Carol-Anne and gives you the willies with a " They're here ". You just can't win for losing .

When I started Parenting , we were all far from functional. I was over-informed and worried about everything . He was under-informed and non-chalant about everything . We needed a happy medium but we never found it . That's one of many reasons why we have been divorced for what feels like forever. The relationship between me and my daughter post-divorce , was a LOT like Tom Hanks and his son in " Sleepless in Seattle " , she was just as precocious as Jonah, and i was just as frustrated but devoted as Sam, trying to figure out my new role in this and what to do in this brave new world. It bears mentioning however , that while most of Sam and Jonah's exchanges could easily have been ours , the "Jed's got cable " conversation or anything like it never took place. When I remarried (my current Hubby) we morphed into a sort of fun-house Mirror version of Ellen Paige's parents in "Juno", mixed with Emma Stones parents in "Easy A" , Picture a sort of happy medium there. They aren't the best parents, but they aren't the worst either . At the very least, they handle life with a sense of humor and they love their kids . We love our Munchkin. She isn't perfect, neither are we. And that's the way we like it . We celebrate and embrace our weirdness. it's us, it's what makes us unique . It bears mentioning that if you put those two aforementioned characters (Olive, Juno) in a blender and made them 5 ish , you would have our munchkin . Spirited , mouthy and oppinionated , but super smart and willing to go to great lengths for a friend , all while marching to the beat of her own drummer . . . that's our girl !  Gotta love her .

The moral of this winding , rambling piece of crap story is don't go into parenting with the" My child won't do that " attitude. I can garuentee you everything you have ever said that about , they will do . AND then some . Probably more than once . When you can make peace with this , then you are ready to be a parent . When you can see yourself holding your little bundle and thinking , " sure little Johnny might grow up to be a window licker, but would I love him any less ? " your probably ready.

and I should probably quit while i'm sort of ahead. . .

or at least before I ramble any further.

My apologies for the spelling. My hubby is asleep and he usually does the spell checking for my sorry ass.

I promise this is a subject I will try to steer away from in the future .

at least within reason :-)