Roller-coaster, of lard . . .

A long time ago , I had a waist . Technically i suppose I still have one, I just haven't seen it in a VERY long time ( about six years or so, to be exact). Back in the day (Jr High) i was about a size 7 in Jeans. By Freshman year, I was a 10. By Sophmore year I was in a 13, and i stayed between a 10 and a 13 for the rest of  school (i.e , until I dropped out Senior year for reasons I will go into another time.) Several failed and abusive relationships later, I was 22, depressed , and in a size 28. I weighed 285 pounds. I hadn't seen my feet in months . It was at this time that I found myself Homeless. B.S was nice enough to send me an airplane ticket to go live with her in the Seattle suburbs. She had just had a baby, I had just lost a baby ( though at the time I spoke of him to no one ) , and we BOTH had some serious weight to lose. Before long , we had established a workout routine and we made excellent workout buddies ! I hit the treadmill every day for 30-45 minutes at the house, sometimes with Duddits on my back in the baby carrier ( for that little bit of extra resistance) . We went totally vegan,and enjoyed long walks taking turns pushing the loaded down stroller up the hilly terrain. In around 10 months of Yoga, Pilates, and the aforementioned veganism and activities , I was down to 135 pounds , and back in a size 10 for the first time in almost a decade. It was great.

Sadly, I had relied very heavily on the drug Zantrex to achieve this goal. I took the maximum allowed dosage EVERY day . And I ignored all the warnings on the label about drinking or taking any caffeine while using it. One day , because of this , I found myself in an ambulance headed to Whidby General. They thought I was having a heart attack. After a few scary hours full of EKG's and unanswered questions, it turned out that all those diuretics had dropped my potassium level so low , my heart was having trouble functioning properly. Eventually we got this under control, but doing so , and getting off the Zantrex gave me back about 40 pounds, but I was still in a 13, so I was ok with that. Then BS got a divorce and we had to hope a greyhound with Duddits and head on back to sweet home Oklahoma, and Hectors. Hector lived directly within smelling distance of my favorite diner in the world ,and pretty soon the heavenly burger smell had worn me down , and my self-control caved. Soon I was driving all the way across Le Ghetto to get a fried onion burger with everything , every day . Soon , I had gained back another 40 pounds. Then i did the stupidest thing of all . I got into another dead-end relationship, with another dead-beat , who turned out to be a coke-head , as well as an alcoholic. Needless to say this did NOTHING positive for my self esteem .Soon I was back to my old habit of self soothing , with loads of wine and take-out. This time, by the time I had called it quits , I was back up to 290 pounds.

This time, hoping to not have another Zantrex incident, as soon as I had made up my mind , I went to my doctor and ask er what I needed to do to lose this weight and get my life back ? She proscribed a drug called Phenteramine , and the South Beach Diet. I did every little thing she told me to , with near surgical precision, and soon I was back down to a healthy size 14. When she discontinued the phenteramine , i gained back a little weight, but i was still a size 16, so I was Okay about it. Then I met Num-nuts. Num-nuts was my first experiment with a " friends with benefits" type arraingement .To facilitate the arangement  , I got on birth control for the first time in my life. I tried Yaz, ortho-evra, and Neuva-ring. The first two made me sick , we had to discontinue the neuva-ring because it turned out , I was pregnant. Nearly 12 weeks. Having had four previous losses by this time , I was scared to death to lose another baby, and therefore determined to do everything I could not to . So I ate. I ate , and I ate, and I ate. Whenever and whatever I was craving . for 10 months. On the day she finally delivered I weighed 250 pounds. At first , it seemed to just peel off, but its true what they say , C-Section fat is some of the hardest fat on the planet to lose.

By this time Num-nuts and I's relationship was circling the bowl. By the end of the next year it had gone down the hole , despite my best efforts. We separated April 1st of 2011, just after her 3rd birthday. By this time , my depression had helped me escalate to 350 pounds, beating out my all time heaviest by 55 pounds.  I was miserable. My husband had cheated on me , in full veiw of Wednesday , while I was working to support him, and going to school full time to better my income. By this time I had been l;iving with the full effects of Polycystic-ovarian syndrome (PCOS) for three years, ever since she had been born. The doctor said I had probably always had it , but the pregnancy had caused it to escalate to one of the worst cases she had personally seen. For those of you who don't know PCOS is a hormone problem that is accompanied by a sort of insulin resistance , as well as horribly heavy periods that last far longer than they are supposed to . ( my worst ever lasted for just under 4 months straight , and was bad enough I had to wear depends to work and was so anemic I passed out on several occasions. ) Coping with this through an eight hour work day was grueling enough , it was all I could do to get through it , but I was supporting our family alone, and a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. The good doctor also informed me (as by this time we had also had two more losses) that the only reason I had managed to carry Wednesday to term was probably because I HAD started birth-control, just my hormones alone wouldn't have been enough to sustain her. I had started out wanting 6-10 kids, now I was being told to be grateful for the one I had because she was a damn miracle and " lightening never strikes twice ".

It goes without saying that this only magnified the depression, and the health problems made it almost impossible to just perform daily tasks like bathing Wednesday , work, or cooking dinner , let alone my "Marital Duties ". It still floors me that he rationalizes his infidelity based on my "un-willingness" to have sex at this point , and in this shape( physically, mentally, and emotionally ). I dare you to find a sane woman that would, but I digress.    After the divorce , I got a second wind. I thanks to treatment I had my PCOS under control and the renewed vigor from my new situation helped me drop back down to 300,then back down to 295, then 280, and there I stayed .Things are better now in SO many ways. I really have very little these days that my depression can rear its ugly head about ( there is one thing, but that for a whole different blog). But the last 2+ years have also found me in the most inactive lifestyle I have EVER in my life been in.

Last Thursday , we took the kids to the Amusement park. The same one I spent every summer at growing up. My ass would barely fit in seats that used to swallow me . On the roller-coasters I dearly love , I very nearly couldn't ride, due to an inability to fasten my seat belt.Getting the seat belt fastened took long enough that the other riders became impatient  , and the sight of me squirming into my seat and wrestling with the belt had drawn a group of onlookers. Some laughing, some cracking jokes, and others staring and turning their heads down in embarasment for me when I looked their way. I felt humiliated . At one point in the day , it became too much for me and I thought I was having a stroke. This was the moment . Something had to give. If I was going to live long enough to get Wednesday through to adulthood , there were going to have to be some MAJOR changes.

About a year ago , a good friend of mine lost 50 pounds on a new , all natural product called " Zeal for Life ". I started using it , and I loved it , and i did see some results. I even signed up to be a consultant for the stuff. But I never really worked it. I allowed every little thing that could to get in the way. I gave into temptation at every turn. To this day , I have never successfully completed the Zeal 90 day challenge, even though I have seen so many others do it with such wonderful results . Sunday , I agreed to start a new 90 day challenge and my goal this time is to see it through the whole 90 days and make it a lifestyle change, a permenant one.So far I am on track with only one minor fall from grace. Today I went to Voldemart and bought a bathroom scale to monitor my progress with . When I stepped on the wheel spun all the way around , back to the zero, so as best as I can tell , I weigh either right at or somewhere over 300 pounds now (thats the highest the scale goes). For now , my goal is modest. I want to put that hateful assed little red needle back where it belongs, on a readable number somewhere under the 300 mark. I am going to get there. No matter how much blood sweat and tears it may take to get there, I am going to get there. Yesterday I bought a Y membership. It is about a mile from our house. Someday , I am going to have the stamina to walk that mile, do my workout and then go home. Then one day , I will be able to ride my bike there . Someday I will be able to play on the floor with Wednesday without feeling like a beached whale, and someday I will be able to take her to the water park and not exceed the weight limit for all the rides by 50+ pounds.

My Lard is like a roller-coaster, and I am tired of riding it. This is the point of no return.this is the point where I get off.

To hold myself accountable, I will be posting pictures of my current physique , I will also be blogging about it at regular intervals, but I have no desire to turn this into a strictly weight-loss oriented blog. I do a hell of a lot of other really interesting shit, and I wouldn't want you to miss out on that ! lol ! besides , that would be boring !

P.S. Thanks to Zeal Wellness, I have been off anti-depressants for almost a year and I feel great and have more energy ! Its time to put that energy and Zeal weight-loss to work and see what it can do for my waistline and the rest of my health ! I am looking forward to giving all these 4x's   and size 28's to good will ! Bring it on ! :-)