The corniest post you'll ever read. Otherwise known as " ears:II"

So, as I was saying in my previous blog ( before this wretched iPad cut me off) , out of ALL the crap I have planted in that blasted vegetable garden , a small handful of things have actually started to take off. The cucumber is actually flowering ! ( score ! ) the peas are actually about six inched high now ( not bad for a first time gardener)  AND I HAVE CORN !

Yes , way back in the corner, all by its lonesome , there is a big beautiful stalk of corn about 2 feet high ! There is no shux on it yet , but hell ! I grew corn dammit ! It's beautiful ! Who'd a thought you could feel so ridiculously proud of a freaking corn plant ?  I go to the back windows and look out at the damn thing about 100 times a day , and it never gets friggin old ! I grew corn ! I made corn ! Ha ha ! ( picture me doing some kind of strange ritual dance around the garden screaming and babbling nonesense  about corn , because that's what I'm doing most of the time now . Just look in' at my corn. . . Singin' to my corn. . . Waterin' my corn . . . You get the picture . I have formed an unhealthy obsession with this corn . Mostly because I harbor the probable delusion that someday it will yield actual corn , and then I can take it in the house and put it on the table before my family and say " eat this magnificent and beautiful healthy corn that I have grown for you most beloved family " or some shit like that . ( I don't know why , but for some reason that whole sentence came out in my head in the voice of  tiger Lillie's father from Disney's 'Peter Pan ', and I'm probably going to hell for that , but anyway , moving right along .. . .)

If my hypothesis proves true , and this corn is indeed the only thing in my occursed vegetable garden that actually produces food, then next year I am changing my strategy. I shall plant only corn . Loads and loads of beautiful corn . I will film a documentary called " only child of the corn " in which my munchkin wil dance through the corn in order to please her ( surprisingly sober) mother . Then I will call Stephen King and see if he would be interested in helping me develop the script for " only child of the corn " ( something tells me I can expect a big hell no on that one, but a girl can dream , right ? )

Please , Sweet baby Jesus , let something else besides corn do diddly in my garden . I mean , I know there are lots of people with problems bigger than mine , but it sure would be nice if you could spare a minute to save me from a lifetime of growing only corn ! For one that fact that corn has no real nutritional value ( the irony would kill me , daily ) , plus , the corn jokes are limited . Let me branch out , just a little ? Think of poor Stephen king , and all those harassing phone calls, he don sent deserve that! And most of all , think of poor munchkin , sentenced to a life of running through her mamas mini-cornfield spouting cheesy one-liners from " children of the corn " for her mothers amusement , I'm sure that must constitute some kind of abuse , right ?


Lord, I am just one never-ending spiral of crazy aren't I ?

All over some friggin corn.

God help us all if anything else actually grows . . .

Lord keep my spark of insanity well lit , so I can find the humor in everything. Amen.