I'm going to start out by saying that even if my hands weren't shaking, even if I could keep a dry eye , and even if I weren't in the process of going through a box of kleenex , there is no way what I am about to write would EVER be good enough.
Today started out innocently enough , same old routine stuff. And then something in my facebook feed caught my eye. There was a name I recognized , in the worst imaginable context.
You see, today is the national Transgender day of remembrance . Today we honor our Transgender brothers and sisters who have been lost to violence, inadequate healthcare, or suicide.
As I was scrolling through my feed , I saw a post remembering some specific people who had lost their lives, and among them was the name of my ex-girlfriend, Jaida. Ironically, the person posting was also the person who introduced us 8 years ago.
When I saw this , I hoped , I prayed , that is was a different Jaida. That someone out there spelled their name the same , but in the pit of my stomach , I knew. I could feel it. So I asked my friend , and my suspicions were confirmed , it was indeed MY Jaida.
Suddenly , the wind was knocked out of me. My sails were limp, and my eyes were wet.
For a moment , all I could do was cry. All I could see was her face. Like it was just yesterday we were snuggled on the couch eating cake and watching a stack of movies from blockbuster. I could see her ear to ear smile , and hear her giggle, just as vividly as if she was standing before me now, and the realization that is has been silenced forever flooded my eyes with tears. I don't know how to process this .
My mind became flooded with a slew of memories , like a slideshow , or a little Movie of our time together . One by One , images of us passed before my eyes . The cake and milk she loved for breakfast , that always grossed me out . The dozen sterling roses I gave her fro her birthday. Lying on the carpet together , with my head on her belly watching "Frasier". Falling asleep in each others arms. The adorable way her hair would frizz , first thing in the morning. Driving out to Mt. Scott in the Jeep to go for a hike , long talks at the top while we enjoyed the view. Traipsing all over medicine park . I remember it all like it was yesterday.
I loved her. She had my heart. And even though we broke up , she always retained a piece of it . A piece that now resides with her , in her final resting place. Eight years ago , Jaida ended things between us . Not because she wanted to , but because my presence made her too obvious. Jaida lived stealth. Her ability to support herself , and her ability to exist as she chose , depended entirely upon her ability to blend in. With me at her side , all she could ever do was stick out. I understood. That didn't stop me from locking myself in my room and listening to the indigo girls for a week while making my way through a case of beer and a carton of smokes, but I understood. I also understood that it was best that I keep my distance , and try to let her live her life, so that was what I did.
I imagined that after I left , she had found a man that made her happy , and had gotten the life that she wanted . Without me in the way , I was sure all of her dreams would come true . I never imagined that eventually she would lose her job and start drinking , and become so depressed and desperate that she would ultimately take her own life.
So with the rest of this writing , I would like to take a moment to remember Jaida , as I knew her .
She had a terrific sense of humor, and always made me laugh. She was a die hard cyclist in incredible shape . She could make ANYTHING out of balloons , flowers, animals , anything . Jaida was a clown ( no, really) in her spare time, she performed for children and old people , and loved to brighten their day , spreading joy and laughter was her highest calling . She loved foreign and independant films , art , music . She was just so vivacious and full of life , and love . I can't believe she is gone. It happened a year ago. I just found out today .
I hate the way I found out, but I am glad that the person who broke the news was one who understood our relationship , and didn't offer up platitudes and cliches .
That said, how long do we have to wait for this to stop ? How many lives must be lost before the people of this country begin to realize the NEED for tolerance and acceptance ?
One is too many , and here we are facing an epidemic.
Please , choose your words carefully . Choose your actions carefully .
If there is a Gay, Lesbian, or Transgender person in your life , or especially in your family, please , let them know that you love them .
I have come to understand in my lifetime, that love without understanding does exist. Click the link below to view the memorial Video :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03Z6o7OBdhA
Some things to remember and reflect upon :
TOLERANCE : The ability or willingness to tolerate something , in particular , the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with .
ACCEPTANCE : 1; the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offerred.
2;the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable , typically to be admitted to a group.
3; agreement with or belief in an idea opinion or explanation .
4. willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation.
thank you for reading .
No comments:
Post a Comment