It isn't really news to any of us that children have selective hearing , whatever you DON'T want them to hear , they will not only hear , but memorize verbatim immediately after you say it . Whereas , if you are needing them to listen , it goes in one ear and out the other . It seems to just be the way it is with them , but a LOT of parents, moms especially , can sometimes end up saying a whole lot more than they realize ( myself included) and sometimes the damaging effects can last for the rest of your life.
Now let me ask you Mom's , how many times have you said something like this to your daughter/son ?
" She is so fat ! I guess she has a pretty face at least , but she is awful chunky . . . "
" Oh , I look SO fat in this ! I need to go on a diet ! "
" Lord he is so GAY ! He needs to learn to tone it down a bit ! "
" Damn it ! I have to go to dinner with him and his DYKE daughter tonight . I wish we could stay home . "
" He just insists on bringing That DYKE drummer when we go out . I hate it ! "
" Those damn Mexicans play their music so friggin loud ! They just drive me crazy ! "
" Turn that music down HOMIE this ain't the GHETTO , and I don't care how strong your bass is ! "
" I can't believe she had the nerve to leave the house like that ! "
" Oh that is just SO white trash ! "
Any of this sounding familiar ?
Congratulations . You are not only racist and homophobic , but you have just ensured that your childs body image and self esteem will get kicked in the balls on a regular basis for the rest of their life .
Here's where your probably saying something like," but I was just talking to myself , it wasn't meant for them , or directed at them . I would never say that to my child !"
Whether or not you said it TO them or not, they still heard it . And it still got internalized. Let me give you an example , I heard every one of the aforementioned phrases at one time or another from a parent or authority figure during my childhood/adolescence, none of them were said TO me , or ABOUT me , but I heard them all the same .
When I was in Junior high ,and I started to realize that I was attracted to girls, all I could hear in my head was " DYKE ! DYKE! DYKE! " in the voice that was dearest in the world to me , and I began to suspect that if she REALLY knew me , she would reject me , because it was clear to me that she didn't like or approve of 'DYKES' . This made me terrified to ever say a word , because if I spoke , I would lose her , and her love forever . So I stayed silent , and i held it all in , and that led to depression , cutting , and eventually a suicide attempt. Finally the day came when I had to tell her or die trying , but I just couldn't deny myself any longer , and I spilled the beans. She has never looked at me the same way again. On that day , the Berlin wall grew up between us , and she could finally see it . I had seen the wall arising the first time she ever used the word ' DYKE'. It is nearly 20 years later now , and the Berlin wall still stands . When we visit each other , we have to peer over it to see one another. I can feel it between us at all times , even over the phone, it is there. At times , years passed without a word between us , because the wall somehow became an ocean. I often wonder if the wall would be so high , or so thick if she had chosen her words more carefully.
The contempt for fat people was also abundantly clear in our household growing up. From the neighbor down the road , to the ladies at church , even random women at the local grocery store , everyone was judged on either " Pretty face, but horribly chunky " , " Big as a house " or " Good lord ! ", bless her heart, there was even a lady in town who became the measuring stick by which all fat people were measured in our house .
Then there was the time I fell in love with an African american woman when I was 19, and we just couldn't stay apart ! She wanted me to take her home to meet my family. But I couldn't do it . She said I wasn't proud of her , that I was embarassed of her . I tried to tell her the truth , that my family was full of homophobic racists and I was afraid that they would hurt her . I didn't know if it would be physically , or verbally , but I was afraid that they would hurt her , and I couldn't stand the thought . She left me because , she thought I was being ridiculous . She didn't grow up hearing the " N" word sprinkled on everything like salt and pepper , and she hadn't heard about all the loathed 'dykes' they knew , or the 'faggots' for that matter. This whole experience served to put another thick layer of bricks on the family Berlin wall between ME, and everybody else.
When I hit puberty , and began to chub out a little, as most kids do at that stage. I started dieting , because I knew that any fat was displeasing to the people that mattered to me, and I wanted to be pleasing , I wanted to make them happy. I don't know how many nights I ended up vomiting because i exercised too much in my room . Some nights I would stay up half the night or more doing exercises quietly , thinking about every twinkie , every calorie , worried that I would never be good enough. Now that i'm 285 pounds , my weight has ended up being the frosting on the Wall.
I didn't realize the damage all of these words had wrought until I was in therapy, years later . I remember telling the shrink that my family hated me. She ask, well what makes you think that ?I began citing all of the aforementioned examples. She understood. She understood that a comment doesn't have to be directed at you personally for it to be hurtful, or for it to leave a mark.
Now that I have a daughter of my own, I try to choose my words more carefully. I don't always succeed , but I try every day.
When I talk about other people , I do my best to keep it positive . She has watched me her whole life , find something positive about nearly everyone we come into contact with , from close friends and family , to strsngers in the check out line at Voldemart. If you look hard enough, there is SOMETHING nice you can say about everyone. Maybe they have pretty eyes , or you like their hair color. Perhaps the have a beautiful skin tone , great bone structure , or the guts to wear an outfit you would only be able to love from afar . I avoid name calling , except when I am referring to racists and bigots , because I don't see a damn thing wrong with her knowing that mommy dosen't care for people that hate on other people for any reason , and I hope that sets an example to her that hatred is NOT ever ok.
When I talk about my body , I try to keep it positive . I talk about the parts I love , and if I am dieting , I stress the fact that I am not doing it to look a certain way , or be a certain size ,or because people won't like me if I don't . I am doing it because I want to be healthy , and live longer , and be able to reach my toes ! lol ! I want to walk upstairs and not be out of breath , and get down on the floor and play with her for more than 5 minutes at a time .
i try not to make it sound like there is a weight and beauty pre-requisite for acceptance under our roof. When I complement her , I always make sure that I make a bigger deal out of how smart she is , than how pretty she is . She is pretty , but she is also kind , and smart , and kind and smart lasts a hell of a lot longer than pretty .
My daughter is beautiful, and she is 5 , she is still cooking. We are a long way off from finding out who she will grow up to be . I don't know what my grown up baby looks like . She may be a single cat-lady with a mountain of books in her house and a posh job at the local library . She could be an executive type who is married to her career . She might be a hippy folk singer and marry a beautiful black woman and bring some beautiful little artificially inseminated grandbabys into the world for me to spoil . She may even be a stay at home mom like me, in a small town with a husband a picket fence, and a dog and 4 kids . Whatever she may turn out to be , I am doing my darndest to make sure she knows it makes absoloutly NO difference to me . The only thing that is important to me is her , and my relationship with her .
Please parents, I know its hard, but think before you speak. Sometimes what you mean, and what is heard are two very different things. Walls get higher the more you add to them , whatever you do , don't add more than you can climb .
No comments:
Post a Comment