I would like , if I may , to take you an a strange journey.
No, not the band Journey, though I love them , and they are great ( and I promise I haven't stopped believing :-)
A different journey , of a more personal nature . A journey of self discovery, if you will.
You see, so much has happened in my circle of friends lately involving gays, and gaynesss, it has gotten me thinking about things I haven't thought about in a very, very long time . As I believe most of you know , I am a Pansexual. It took me years to realize this , but not because I just woke up one morning and said , " Hey , I think i'll be Pansexual today" , it started out a long time ago, and I realize now that I was always Pan, I just didn't have a word for it . Having a word for it dosen't GIVE you an identity suddenly, it just makes it a little easier to figure out where you fit in the great chain of being , and to root out your identity .
I had a conversation with my mother yesterday that went something like this ;
Mom: That's awful young to be trying to come out as gay. I mean how can anybody know that young ?
Me: I dunno Mom, how old were you when you first discovered you were straight ?
Mom: (Stunned silence) I don't know, I just always knew I guess.
Me: But you imagine that it's somehow different for us ?
Mom: I guess I never thought about it like that before .
( i'm 32, and trust me , this is HUGE from a person who once accused me of coming out and ' pretending ' to be gay so I could punish her by embarassing her in front of everybody . HUGE MILESTONE !!!)
So anyway , this got me thinking , and try as I might , I couldn't remember ever NOT finding the female form more pleasing than the male form , but I could remember the first time I ever understood that to other people , a female appreciating the female form was unacceptable. I was six. My Mother had to be away from the house for a time , a couple of overnights , and the nearest neighbors teenage daughter was babysitting us . Mother had a rule , that we were allowed to watch pretty much what we wanted as far as movies and T.V went , so long as you didn't see waist down male nudity. I always found this an odd rule, but it wasn't hard to abide by since Hollywood has always preferred naked women , and it certainly suited my purposes just fine. It was the eighties , and someone had made a terrible B movie called , "Sheena ; Queen of the Jungle". It featured a Sort of busty , tan blue-eyed modern day female Tarzan named Sheena. It also featured a 10 minute scene wherein the heroine takes a luxurious full-frontal shower in an obliging waterfall.
Needless to say, that was my favorite part of the movie . One day , during this particulair sitters tenure , I wrested the remote from Batshit , and decided that rewind and fast forward were created so that I wouldn't have to sit through everything else to get to the part I liked. So I sat there , watching that scene over, and over, and over again, quite happily. Until of course Batshit got bored and complained to the sitter , who then stared in horror at me watching this with such a look of obvious pleasure on my face . ( if I had been a boy and perpetrated this same act, it would have been considered 'cute' and a testament to my masculinity, but that's another matter ) After the horror stricken sitter confiscated the remote , and turned on some care bears, I remember overhearing the conversation she had with my Mother upon her return . She explained my fascination with Sheena , and how disturbing it was to her, and that she thought I might be a lesbian. I remember my mother telling her that I was just fascinated with the breasts I would someday develop, and brushing the whole thing off. That right there was the moment I realized it was not ok to be me.
By the time I was 8 , I had already found a regular 'make-out ' buddy named Lizzy , and another one we shall call T. and we enjoyed a nice chunk of experimentation for a long stretch. I became so comfortable because of it that one day I forgot where I was and kissed my friend Rosie on the cheek . I had no Idea that old lady F. was watching from her porch, and needless to say , her reaction was priceless. Sadly , I grew up in a tiny redneck hamlet in rural Oklahoma , with only 300 students K-12.so you couldn't shit in that town without everyone knowing what color it was. Eventually , people started to suspect , and after I stayed the night at a classmates house and she went back to school and told everyone I stared at her boobs ( in fairness, she had double D's , in 6th grade, tell me that's not at least a little overdeveloped???? Who wouldn't stare ?) ( i promise, I did not INTENTIONALLY stare ) The cat was out of the bag so to speak, So what was a 6th Grader in such a place to do , but to get a boyfriend , and pretend to be as " normal" as humanly possible. That said, when there is no such thing as boys at your school who don't make fun of you , finding a boyfriend, even a pseudo one , is pretty damn hard. So I did the next best thing, I fabricated a relationship with the son of a friend of my mothers who lived in a more urban area about 45 minutes away . his name was John , and I wrote him love notes all the time , and tried to do whatever the other girls did with their boyfriends . When there was a dance or something, I either stayed home , or made up and excuse for why John couldn't make it. Eventually , people saw through my lie , and I realized I needed something more concrete. Lucky for me , a boy named Chris came along , he was a nice sort, and he liked me , but I felt no attraction for him whatsoever . Regardless , we went out , and even though people made fun of us , at least we were together and they weren't singling me out anymore.
This pattern continued until my parents got divorced and I was able to leave 'deliverance'. I went out with every boy that asked me , until they tried to push things too far , and then we broke up. It was easier than asking out that senior girl who had my heart. When we moved to a bigger town , ( one with 45,000 people instead of 1,400) I was still afraid of the backlash that might happen if I ever expressed my desire towards the girls there . So I continued dating just about every boy who ever ask me out , and I began messing around with them more, not because I had the desire to, but because I caouldn't understand why I didn't FEEL anything when they touched me. I wanted to feel SOMETHING , but every time, with every boy , I felt nothing . I could feel their hand on my breast , but it didn't excite me. Even when the started to delve into my panties , I still was not aroused . I was like a blow up doll , just sitting there and letting them do what they wanted ( with the exception of sex,no matter how hard i tried I couldn't go there, period ). By this stage of the game I had one hell of a reputation, and my virginity.
Eventually , my mother remarried and we moved to an even larger area , that thankfully had some more progressive thinkers there . Here , I found others like myself , and was even able to go on my first date with a girl , however we didn't get far because I was still completley ignorant about lesbian sex , and after several thoroughly exciting make out sessions these more experienced girls got quickly bored with me and moved on.By this time , I felt " Gay enough" that it was safe to come out . My step sister was an out Lesbian , I had met a couple of other girls at school that claimed to be lesbians, for the first time ever , I didn't feel like a lonely one-girl freak show. After years of having " friends " sleep over , and quickly letting go of each others hands or bodies whenever we heard my mother coming down the hallway, I decided I had to tell my mother, because the burden of hiding who I was was just too great. ( I should also mention that by this time I had SEVERAL failed suicide attempts under my belt) I suppose , looking back , that she handled it as well as anyone from her background and generation could have , she stayed calm, and said , " it's not what I would have chosen for you , but your my daughter and I love you no matter what . But she never looked at me the same way again. After that day , the Berlin wall sprouted up between us and just continued to grow every time we interacted.
Eventually , due to a lot of circumstances , after one tour in Shadow Mountain and two tours through Meadowlake ( both 'mental health' facilities) I was picked up from Meadowlake the last time, and taken to the taco mayo for lunch, and then deposited at the Youth and Family Services Shelter, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Voluntary foster care placement. This move remains by far the biggest brick in the wall. After my 'tour' at the YAFS center was through i spent some brief time back at home , before I ended up in "Honorary" Foster placement at the home of a school friend , you know on here as "Aunty Armadillo". Her Parents took me in , and fed me and cared for me and I have to say I bloomed , more than a little, in that environment. But friction between them and my family of origin mounted , and they could no longer afford to keep me . It was not long after this That i found myself living in my own little duplex , on the east side of town, working two jobs ( eventually up to and including stripper ) to make ends meet , and still trying to get through high school on my own. I often joke that I put myself through High school the way most people put themselves through college.
Eventually , things at home got to be too much for sister Batshit , and she showed up on my doorstep , seeking sanctuary / asylum . Now I was raising my little sister . It had been hard enough to keep things going for myself alone , but now I had another mouth to feed. I wanted her to finish school , so I dropped out and got an additional job to help with her upkeep . I had two credits to go and I could have graduated . I told myself it was the decent , selfless thing to do , and that she would be able to have a better life because of my sacrifice. During this time , I became involved with a girl who could be referred to as " the one ", or so I thought ( lets just say I see her and her BS a LOT more clearly the older I get ) After things hit the fan with her , I tried for the 13th time to commit suicide. An attempt that was thankfully thwarted by a young man named Daniel , and I thank God for him every day . Not long after , I got fired from my job ( i had paired it down to a job and a half by then ) and evicted from my duplex in the same weekend. Batshit went to go live with friends , and I moved here to Mayberry to go to the Job Corps. Six months after I enrolled , Batshit decided to drop out and come too , ( thereby negating my throwing away my diploma and my scholarship for the sake of hers. Yes, I am still pissed)
By the time Job Corps graduation day came , I was known as the " coolest dyke on campus" , I had also loved and lost a woman named Meredith , who could best be described as " the one that got away ". It is safe to say that by the time I had left that campus, I was more or less comfortable with my sexuality , and had a pretty good idea who I was . Things stayed pretty groovy , until I was 24 , and suddenly found myself saddled with what can only be described as an INSANE attraction to a boy who was working for my Dad at the time . I had lost that ole' virginity at 18 , but hadn't ever experienced a genuine attraction to a member of the male species in my life until now . ( its amazing the things you can bring yourself to do after 7 long island iced teas) I found myself fantasizing about this guy all the time , I mean I was severely hot and bothered . For most people , I dont suppose this would be a problem, but having just recently really come into my own as a lesbian , I had no idea what this meant . Why was I suddenly having these heterosexual urges ? This was as puzzling to me as the lack of arousal I experienced in my teens. Ultimately , this infatuation led to an evening of mind-blowing sex , followed by months of re-questioning everything I thought I knew about my own sexuality .
My gay and straight friends alike couldn't figure me out either . There were multiple 'running jokes' that I was a sexuality unto myself , because no one, myself included , could find a pattern to my sexuality. Then one day , the word Pansexual , was brought to me by one of these friends , who excitedly proclaimed , " I have finally figured you out ! " It was relief to have a word. It was relief to understand that there were other people who did not have a physical 'type'. You see , my friends were confused , because they never could see any commonality in the partners I have had, or the people I have dated . They were all ethnicities, all genders, many between genders , gender non-conformists ,Transgender, all ages, no two were alike . No one could figure out my 'type'. With this word Pansexual , there was liberation . There was a community . I was no longer just running my own freak show for the amusement of my friends and family. I belonged somewhere. I was 28 when this ephiphany was delivered . It took me THAT long to figure out myself .
I am going to diverge from the story for a moment , just to clarify that Pansexual is not just a cooler way of saying Bi-sexual , nor is it a license to sleep with everything that breathes , we are extremely selective people ( or at least I am ) , if I had to try and characterize my 'type' , it would be intelligent, charismatic, creative , free-thinking and self aware,with a lot of integrity, and that comes in many, many different packages . Hence the Pan slogan , "Hearts not parts". You se, plumbing matters very little to me , but actions personality and behavior matter a great deal . Pansexuals , as I said , are some of the most discerning people I know ,so if you find yourself getting hit on by one, be flattered, because unlike the average straight man , we don't just hit on everything that moves , we are VERY discerning. But anyway, moving on . . .
That said ,this journey of self discovery comes with a very steep price tag. It started when I first came out as gay in Jr. High , and suddenly all of my female friends didn't want to hang out anymore because I had seen them naked , and they were uncomfortable. Then things got weird in the locker room , I had to go change in the shower with the curtain drawn so I didn't get accused of looking at someones body and beat up. I have been beaten up more times than I can count , spit upon I have survived attempted rape on numerous occasions , and on at least two , I have not been so lucky . Many, many men have tried to ' straighten me out' , and for some reason , they are always sure that their penis is a magical cure . I promise you, it doesn't work . No matter how much heterosexual sex you have , it will not make you a heterosexual if you are not one, conversley, trying homosexual sex will not make you gay , it may help you realize your gay , but it will not make you that way . The journey to finding oneself, and being oneself when you are NOT heterosexual is a long and difficult one , and it is not a journey I would wish on anyone . Not until the world becomes safer for us , and more accepting .
I have recently been made aware in living color , that there are still people in this world that buy into Anita Bryants BS about homosexual recruiting . I can assure you , we do NOT recruit. There is not a one in this community that would wish the hell they have had to go through on anyone . There may be a few homosexuals out there who magically managed to skate through there life being out and proud with no opposition and no consequences , but I am not one of them , and I have never met one, either.
When some young kid comes out to me ( as happens sometimes) I am always conflicted. here is a part of me that wants to congratulate them on starting to become self aware and their willingness to deal with it , but the biggest part of me is scared to death for them. My usually response is to listen without judgement all the while praying that they don't get their head bashed in in a parking garage , or raped by some asshole football player. I try to tell myself , that they will be so much better off than I was because of resources like 'The Trevor Project ' and YGLA, and YES , and P-FLAG , and shows like 'Glee" . But in the bottom of my gut , I worry that they will become just another statistic . That while I may be sitting her talking to them today , in six months , or a year , I am going to see their face on the evening news heralding another victim of teenage suicide due to homophobic bullying . I worry that their parents are going to say and do everything mine did , and not meaning to push them away , right when they need them the most. With every 'coming out ' , I hope that THIS child will have better than I did , better than any of us did. I tell them , be careful who you tell , this will show you who your real friends are . I tell them to be sure before they start broadcasting it , and above all , I tell them to be safe.
While I love my life now, and I truly enjoy a gift in knowing who I am, I would never attempt to decide for someone else who they are , and having paid the price I have for that self awareness , I would never encourage anyone to partake in a lifestyle that can get you killed for telling the wrong person . That being said , the choice i made for myself was this , Sooner or later I have to die. None of us live forever. So I have two choices , I can either die in a closet by suicide and self denial, or I can embrace life, and myself and hope for the best and maybe someday die an old lady surrounded by friends and family. The second sounded like the better option to me . And i think that is the same struggle every member of our community must face at one time or another , self denial, or self acceptance .
Which would you choose ?
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