As I walked a little further , I noticed a rather horrid smell. Clearly , one of the Dogs was not feeling well and had relieved itself somewhere in the house . Oh great ! My favorite game of all ! Find the poo ! While I was in the midst of playing 'Find the poo' , sniffing about and so on, I heard Ellen exclaim , "Oh Man ! Not my sneakers ! " , Aha ! I thought, the poo has been found. As luck would have it , Ellen had indeed found the poo ! ( with her foot ) and had unwittingly left trails of poo throught the front three rooms of the house.
The next hour was spent getting the original poo deposit off of my lovely new area rug in the living room ( dead center, no less. Apparently the dog has good aim ) and crawling around the house on my hands and knees scrubbing poo out of my light beige shag-esque carpet. Charming way to start the day. By the time Bill emerged from the bedroom , I had already cleaned the poo, put the dogs out, febreezed the house , and had two arguements with Wednesday that thankfully , eventually DID result in her getting appropriately dressed. Somehow or another Bill couldn't quite grasp why I was a little bit edgy. Hmmmm? I wonder ??????
Nevertheless, we had a birthday party to go to . An hour away in La CaCa ( home to Hector and B.S, among others), and we still had to run by Voldemart and get our gifts for the Birthday Boy ! ( did I mention we were an HOUR behind schedule ? Quiser likes to be late about as much as Minnie Jackson likes to burn chicken. But we were late . After an unfortunate incident at the Walgreen's a few days ago, I decreed that Wednesday was banned from entering any places of commerce for a month. I allowed a single exception for Frankie's birthday and the present shopping, because I am a dumbass. By the time we had reached the checkout , I was worked up to one hell of a lather. Then I reached into my purse to collect the checkbook, only to find it COVERED in Wednesday's melted Kit-Kat (a souvinier from the Walgreen's incident ) . AND THAT WAS WHEN I LOST IT ! I made the " the next person who touches me is going to get backhanded to kingdom come " pose . Bill and Ellen both backed up. Then here came dearest Wednesday, obliviousas always, shoving candy in my face and whining . It took every ounce of self control I had to keep my hands to myself and just say "NO". She then commenced with the "But MOOOOOOOOM"'s. I took a deep breath, and stated firmly, " I SAID NO. " She then broke out in the worlds biggest hissy fit.
I left Bill to handle the checkout , promising to meet him outside the door, and I grabbed her little arm and started hell-bent -for-leather to the garden center exit .She was pissed and desperately trying to outrun me , the two of us trading 'go to hell' looks all the way. The Voldemart employees looked at us as if to say " now theres a mom who's has enough", "mmmhmm!" . I got her to Towanda ( my Van) and all but threw her little ass into her carseat, and I let her have it ! I explained to her EXACTLY why I was adding another two-weeks onto her grounding , and a few other things as well. In short, by the time I was through , she had a new asshole. When Bill entered the car I told him it had been handled, and we weren't to speak of it again. He accepted this, because he knows that it is counter-productive for him to punish her for something I have already punished her for. And we went to the McCrackheads drive-thru to grab a bite for the road.
Now, Mayberry's McCrackheads , is about the slowest and least competent on Earth , so I really shouldn't have been surprised when after wasting 15 minutes in their line , we drove away , only to discover (before leaving the parking lot) that they had forgotten to put Bills order in the bag at all. Driving back around, another 10 wasted minutes, we finally have bills food, and we're off ! 22 chorus's of " are we there yet" later , we finally arrive in La CaCa , at lake CaCa for Frankie's birthday party. I am relieved that I could keep my promise to Shannon ( Frankie's Mama ) , but more relieved to be out of Towanda , and free of bickering( if only temporarily) . The party was fun, and I was happy to see Donna, and Joey and D.J, and my Bestie Janie and everybody , but I just couldn't seem to relax and enjoy it.
Eventually , the party was over and it was time to head back . Wednesday was upset that I wouldn't let her swim in the lake. I had to explain that she isn't a very good swimmer yet, and that it's not level like a pool , and she could take one wrong step and end up over her head. She insisted she would wear a life jacket. I had to remind her that when I had tried to buy her one at the start of the summer , she refused , and now Voldemart had pulled them from the shelves. She was not a happy camper. She began wailing about being thirsty . I decided to go one better and take a slight detour through the sno-cone stand. For about 10 minutes , after everyone had their sno-cone in hand , Towanda was blessedly and blissfully silent. Then came the cries from the backseat of , " this is too sweet ! I can't eat it anymore ! I should have just got water ! " Which prompted Bill to start in again about the gas, and shouldn't we stop and fill up? I called things to order , and decreed that when we got to 'O-scratch-me' ( as Hector calls it) we would fill up on the cheaper Gas , and get prissy-pants some water. That did NOTHING to cease the whining and bickering the rest of the way to 'O-scratch-me'. At some point , I turned up the radio (to drown out the noise) , and at the precise moment i was about to just pull over , get out of the car and walk away , I heard familiar chords coming from my speakers. Soothing melodies to salve my weary soul. "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me , speaking words of wisdom, Let it be . . ." It was exactly what I needed to hear . I cranked that shit up and began taking deep relaxing breaths and clearing my heart and my head. Towanda was silent ,save for the straining's of John, Paul, George and Ringo. It was Heaven on Earth I tell you !
Having managed to vacate the homicidal rage from my person, I pulled into the gas station in 'O-Scratch-me' ( bless Hector ), and before I could even put Towanda in park, The Beatles were obliterated by the cries of an impatient urchin in the backseat. Ok. Good feeling's gone. By the time I manage to get myself un-buckled and the sliding door opened etc, I am throwing the "F" Bomb around like birdseed as I am trying to start the gas pump BEFORE I take her in , in the hopes that it will be done by the time we are out. As usual, once she gets inside, sh decided she would really much rather have a kool-aide and a candy bar. (and it just now occured to me as I am writing this that I completley forgot that she was grounded from going into such places at this juncture.)After giving her a look that said , " your getting water and getting the hell out or it will be the last thing you ever do " , she grabbed a fiji and we left.
The rest of the drive was rife with bickering and whining , and all I could think about was the fact that I have no washer and dryer right now ( they died , at least the washer did ) and thus a literal mountain of dirty laundry . I have a leaky hose in need of fixing on my kitchen sink that soakes about 10 dishtowels a day. My house is a wreck . I am over a week behind on my cleaning etc, and I have the most dreaded ex-husband coming for a visit and "inspection" in a week ( my former in-laws do the inspecting ). The weeks when he comes are the most stressful two of the whole year for me, and I will readily admit that they bring out the bitch in me faster than anything on Earth. ( though I really don't think my hormone imbalance helps any ) NO WONDER I'M A FRIGGIN' WRECK !
I spent the next 29 miles back to Mayberry wishing my cell phone was working, wanting to call Buffy to come and stay with Bill and Wednesday so I could take a sanity break. Alas, we made it home. No one was dead. I think that's pretty good. Bill and I have talked ( he is SUCH a good listener,and So understanding . Except when he's arguing with Wednesday, but I digress) and he has agreed that we both need a mental health break , so arrangements are in the works for me to have an evening to myself hopefully later this week. Depending of course on whether or not I can find someone to stay with them so I can etc . PRAY. Pray hard. I need some mommy alone time or I am going to crack ! ( it's possible, and indeed highly probable, that I have cracked already) Mama said there'd be days like this and boy was she right ! Sure would be nice if they were a little less frequent though.
Dear God, please let me wake up tomorrow transformed into June Cleaver with a lifetime supply of xanax and prosac. You tha man !
Amen.
I left Bill to handle the checkout , promising to meet him outside the door, and I grabbed her little arm and started hell-bent -for-leather to the garden center exit .She was pissed and desperately trying to outrun me , the two of us trading 'go to hell' looks all the way. The Voldemart employees looked at us as if to say " now theres a mom who's has enough", "mmmhmm!" . I got her to Towanda ( my Van) and all but threw her little ass into her carseat, and I let her have it ! I explained to her EXACTLY why I was adding another two-weeks onto her grounding , and a few other things as well. In short, by the time I was through , she had a new asshole. When Bill entered the car I told him it had been handled, and we weren't to speak of it again. He accepted this, because he knows that it is counter-productive for him to punish her for something I have already punished her for. And we went to the McCrackheads drive-thru to grab a bite for the road.
Now, Mayberry's McCrackheads , is about the slowest and least competent on Earth , so I really shouldn't have been surprised when after wasting 15 minutes in their line , we drove away , only to discover (before leaving the parking lot) that they had forgotten to put Bills order in the bag at all. Driving back around, another 10 wasted minutes, we finally have bills food, and we're off ! 22 chorus's of " are we there yet" later , we finally arrive in La CaCa , at lake CaCa for Frankie's birthday party. I am relieved that I could keep my promise to Shannon ( Frankie's Mama ) , but more relieved to be out of Towanda , and free of bickering( if only temporarily) . The party was fun, and I was happy to see Donna, and Joey and D.J, and my Bestie Janie and everybody , but I just couldn't seem to relax and enjoy it.
Eventually , the party was over and it was time to head back . Wednesday was upset that I wouldn't let her swim in the lake. I had to explain that she isn't a very good swimmer yet, and that it's not level like a pool , and she could take one wrong step and end up over her head. She insisted she would wear a life jacket. I had to remind her that when I had tried to buy her one at the start of the summer , she refused , and now Voldemart had pulled them from the shelves. She was not a happy camper. She began wailing about being thirsty . I decided to go one better and take a slight detour through the sno-cone stand. For about 10 minutes , after everyone had their sno-cone in hand , Towanda was blessedly and blissfully silent. Then came the cries from the backseat of , " this is too sweet ! I can't eat it anymore ! I should have just got water ! " Which prompted Bill to start in again about the gas, and shouldn't we stop and fill up? I called things to order , and decreed that when we got to 'O-scratch-me' ( as Hector calls it) we would fill up on the cheaper Gas , and get prissy-pants some water. That did NOTHING to cease the whining and bickering the rest of the way to 'O-scratch-me'. At some point , I turned up the radio (to drown out the noise) , and at the precise moment i was about to just pull over , get out of the car and walk away , I heard familiar chords coming from my speakers. Soothing melodies to salve my weary soul. "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me , speaking words of wisdom, Let it be . . ." It was exactly what I needed to hear . I cranked that shit up and began taking deep relaxing breaths and clearing my heart and my head. Towanda was silent ,save for the straining's of John, Paul, George and Ringo. It was Heaven on Earth I tell you !
Having managed to vacate the homicidal rage from my person, I pulled into the gas station in 'O-Scratch-me' ( bless Hector ), and before I could even put Towanda in park, The Beatles were obliterated by the cries of an impatient urchin in the backseat. Ok. Good feeling's gone. By the time I manage to get myself un-buckled and the sliding door opened etc, I am throwing the "F" Bomb around like birdseed as I am trying to start the gas pump BEFORE I take her in , in the hopes that it will be done by the time we are out. As usual, once she gets inside, sh decided she would really much rather have a kool-aide and a candy bar. (and it just now occured to me as I am writing this that I completley forgot that she was grounded from going into such places at this juncture.)After giving her a look that said , " your getting water and getting the hell out or it will be the last thing you ever do " , she grabbed a fiji and we left.
The rest of the drive was rife with bickering and whining , and all I could think about was the fact that I have no washer and dryer right now ( they died , at least the washer did ) and thus a literal mountain of dirty laundry . I have a leaky hose in need of fixing on my kitchen sink that soakes about 10 dishtowels a day. My house is a wreck . I am over a week behind on my cleaning etc, and I have the most dreaded ex-husband coming for a visit and "inspection" in a week ( my former in-laws do the inspecting ). The weeks when he comes are the most stressful two of the whole year for me, and I will readily admit that they bring out the bitch in me faster than anything on Earth. ( though I really don't think my hormone imbalance helps any ) NO WONDER I'M A FRIGGIN' WRECK !
I spent the next 29 miles back to Mayberry wishing my cell phone was working, wanting to call Buffy to come and stay with Bill and Wednesday so I could take a sanity break. Alas, we made it home. No one was dead. I think that's pretty good. Bill and I have talked ( he is SUCH a good listener,and So understanding . Except when he's arguing with Wednesday, but I digress) and he has agreed that we both need a mental health break , so arrangements are in the works for me to have an evening to myself hopefully later this week. Depending of course on whether or not I can find someone to stay with them so I can etc . PRAY. Pray hard. I need some mommy alone time or I am going to crack ! ( it's possible, and indeed highly probable, that I have cracked already) Mama said there'd be days like this and boy was she right ! Sure would be nice if they were a little less frequent though.
Dear God, please let me wake up tomorrow transformed into June Cleaver with a lifetime supply of xanax and prosac. You tha man !
Amen.
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